I’m currently somewhere over the middle of the country heading from meetings in Houston to meetings in Chicago. The Airstream is currently somewhere between new sink and plumbing and new bed and curtains….
It kills me to not be there, putting on the finishing touches. Even more so, not sharing in the sweat equity required to get her to the point of habitability. My time and energy is with the obligations of today, but my heart is somewhere else entirely.
I’m sure there is a life lesson in there somewhere. Something about trade-offs, and being a grown up, and how in order to get something you’ve never had, you have to be willing to do something you’ve never done….But right now all of that feels like nonsense.
I am painfully aware of the fact that even if I were flying home right now instead of to another set of meetings, I would be too exhausted to be useful in this final round of preparations. I know right now that the realization of this crazy dream is completely out of my control. And yet, for once in my life I am ok with that.
I have peace knowing this dream could not be in better hands. I have complete confidence in my dear Husband that by this time tomorrow we’ll be spending our first night together in the airstream after ~6 weeks of renovations. But that just makes it even harder to be away.
When I think about it, I am completely humbled by the realization that I’ve been so wrong about the fundaments of a balanced relationship. If I’m being honest, I used to think balance was primarily about delegation. Horrible, I know. Something along the lines of: “I don’t have time for this, so you cover it, and if you don’t like doing that, I’ll cover it.” We’ll just play each-others’ check or balance in a zero sum game and it all will work out. But math only works with numbers, and life is anything but binary.
There is nothing logical about putting someone else’s goals and dreams ahead of your own. There is no assurance of return on investment in relationships. Yet by some miracle of math and defeat of logic, their goals become your own. You can give your last ounce of energy towards the finish line, knowing full well it isn’t enough, and still rest assured that the gap will be bridged without expectation of reciprocation. This is what balance is really about. I know now balance has nothing to do with an equal score.
So here I am, helpless to meet my self-imposed deadline to be off-the-grid-ready by the 25th of May and hundreds of miles away from even being able to contribute to the solution. Humbled and grateful, I sit here knowing our goals have become the same.
There is no score. Because despite starting out on our own paths, we ended up on the same team. This dream is all the better knowing I could not have done it on my own. And life is better realizing that I wouldn’t have wanted to….
Love and balance,
Kate + Adam
[Blog mood music: http://youtu.be/HoRkntoHkIE ]